The Gratitude Project: Day 19

Continuing along with the theme of my Keipo-eaten sandals, and true to my husband's word, last night we went looking for some new ones to replace my favoured old ones. We did, in fact, find a pair with which I bonded almost immediately and which fit the requirements of the job description, so I parted with a little more money than I would have liked to and they made their way home with us.

This morning I decided to put them to use on Keipo's morning walk, particularly since our path was muddied by last night's falling rain -- and off we went! Unfortunately, at about the halfway point of our walk, I began to feel a slight discomfort on my left pinky toe and my right big toe...but there was naught for me except to push onward towards home. And, of course, as I quit my new purchase upon entering our house, I was greeted by two newly-formed blisters.

Aarrrrgh!!!!

Whether this is a lesson in forgiveness, in flexibility, in generosity, in patience, in responsibility -- or all these combined -- and despite how "little" an issue this may, in fact, be, it seems I will be working this out so that the lessons can work their way into my life and who I am. And I do desire to be more easygoing in matters such as this, so I will also be using my husband as a case study. :)

And now, to share some things which I have already internally processed, and for which I am grateful:

1) VantagePoint3 -- A few years ago now, I was blessed with an invitation from a good friend of mine to participate in The Emerging Journey stage of VP3, "a lifechanging discipleship and spiritual formation process" which took the form of meeting with a group of 11 others on a weekly basis for 8 months. It was nearly the equivalent of taking another university course, and from the outset the VP3 materials make it clear that there is a significant commitment required on the part of each participant as far as the time, effort, and energy needed fully to contribute to and take advantage of this discipleship course. It was to be a year of even more growth and depth than I had imagined, and it truly has impacted my life. It had me asking more questions and seeking out more answers, looking at the true character of God and of myself, and working out how it is that God and I can work in tandem if I am open to what God presents to me. Much of who I am today -- at least, the positive side of me -- has been shaped by what I learned with the fellow disciples in VP3, and I would love to share the journey with others!

2) Laughter -- Is there any sound more pleasant? Of course, there are a few people on this earth who bleat out obnoxious sounds where there should be a melodious laugh, but, on the whole, laughter brightens and cheers, and brings two people or a group together. And I am so glad that my husband and I laugh often and deeply, enjoying the sheer pleasure and hilarity of any given moment!

3) "Pink Coffee" -- In mid-2009, when my nieces had just turned 1- and 2-years old, and I at the time working at Starbucks Coffee Company, I was preparing for one of my frequent visits to my sister's apartment after work. Each time I went there I brought her a different beverage -- hot, cold, espresso-based or not -- and, each time, the girls wanted a coffee of their own. So I was ecstatic the day it occurred to me to bring them each a kids' steamed milk with some raspberry syrup so that they could enjoy their own "coffee" along with their mommy. And it was a hit from the get-go! They still talk about "pink coffee," and my husband and I have enjoyed introducing them to the world of creativity through beverages. And now that we are living in Central America, my eldest niece is convinced that I just don't get to come visit her because I have to spend so much time working at Starbucks! Ahh, the life of a child!

The Gratitude Project: Day 18

I so often fall so short of my ideal of the person I want to be. I know that nobody is perfect, which brings a bit of comfort...but that isn't sufficient reason for me to neglect my shortcomings and work to smooth out the rough edges of my character.

A simple occurrance yesterday shone a rather fierce spotlight on one area in particular: how bothered I become by something being wrecked. I can deal with a broken dish or a cracked glass, or even the usual wear and tear on shoes, clothing and other daily-use items, but when something is suddenly destroyed "for no reason," as I find myself saying, it is a struggle for me not to fly off the proverbial handle.

Last night Ramón and I were getting ready for bed when he decided to check on our dog. He left our bedroom and immediately I heard, "Oh, Keipo!" -- and when I asked what had happened, his response was, "Something that you're not going to like very much:" Keipo had chewed off, in numerous pieces, the entire top of my most-used flip flops (thankfully, not my Birkenstocks!) and was working away at the toe, rendering the right sandal completely useless as just a sole.

Now, you may point out, flip flops are easily replaceable. And you're right, they are. But, to my imperfect self, that is not the issue. The injustice, to me, is that my formerly perfectly-useful and very frequently worn (yet still in beautiful shape) and VERY comfortable flip flops, for which I paid $35 nearly three years ago, were innecessarily demolished by our one-year-old puppy. There was no need for that; he has other chew toys and knows not to attack our footwear, under pain of a chancletazo. Plus, despite the fact that my husband has been working for this particular bi-national company for just over six months, he has yet to receive any of his hard-earned income (thanks to the corruption and bureaucracy representative of much of LatinAmerica), and so, incurring such a frivolous and should-be unnecessary expense seems to me rather absurd!

And so, in light of this, I found myself stewing in my own anger at Keipo's destruction, considering how to balance good stewardship with forgiveness, acceptance, patience, "need" vs. want (although these were my only footwear item which I could use for cleaning house and walking with Keipo when it's rainy/muddy, due to being purely plastic -- so to me it is rather clear that I do, in fact, require just such an article of footwear) and doing without in light of no income. And this same rhythm of thought/argument/struggle has characterized my life ever since I was a child. Why is it that I grapple -- for days -- with the idea of replacing such things for myself, yet have no qualms about giving much larger sums to a particular clinic in Haiti? Then again, is my reasoning aberrant?

This rather lengthly prelude leads me to three things for which I find myself particularly grateful this morning:

1. An Understanding Husband -- Daily I give thanks for the man with whom I have been blessed to share life, and he never ceases to amaze me with his unending patience and understanding nature. I have much to learn from him; his immediate response last night was to comfort me upon the loss of my beloved right sandal and to say, "First thing when I return from work tomorrow we'll go in search of some new sandals for you, okay?" It just wasn't an issue for him: my sandal was wrecked and no longer useable, and so it must be replaced. Simple. And problem solved. Of course, his being so understanding and relaxed made me feel horrid about how I had reacted; and, of course, I knew that he was right. But I didn't feel any less twisted up inside by the "injustice" of what had happened. How is it that, sometimes when we feel the most loved and cared for, we also feel more awful about our true selves and undeserving of being on the receiving end of such understanding and generosity?

2. Turning Points -- I realize that this is sort of a lumped-together point, but I am grateful for the simple things in life, the everyday little occurrances which have things to teach me. Like, for example, paying the bills or cleaning the house -- I find that in these little acts of care and responsibility I am reminded of the importance of contributing to the world around me in a positive way. "Being responsible" has it's own reward, as things tend to operate more smoothly, but there are also little "aha!" moments that come now and again as I wash our laundry by hand, or bathe our dog, or prepare dinner, and I am grateful to have a family for which to care.

3. Something Borrowed -- In light of my sandal-less present, my husband offered me the use of his sandals -- a bit too big for me, but still comfy and practical, and they worked beautifully as I walked Keipo on our freshly-rained-upon streets this morning. Whether a book borrowed from the library, a ladder from the in-laws, or my husband's sandals, I am reminded that it isn't always necessary to own an object. There is beauty in the sharing, in less-consumeristic actions and in making better use of what is around.

The Gratitude Project: Day 17

And now, to continue with my somewhat sporadic -- but truly sincere -- reflections about the things for which I am grateful:

1. Going for a Walk -- Whether with my husband and my dog, or alone, walking simultaneously clears my mind and refreshes my body, at the same time bringing clarity to thoughts and situations that sometimes seem a little muddled when in the confines of my house in a sedentary activity. It is almost like journaling, in a sense; one is a flow of words, the other a flow of physical motions -- and, in the end, both serve to excavate little bits and pieces of what lies beneath the surface of me.

2. A Good Book -- I have had the pleasure to read many a good book in my day -- thanks in large part to where I happened to grow up, in Canada, always with access to well-supplied libraries and numerous resources of which to take advantage. Add to that several friends with exquisite taste in literature who are kind enough to recommend to me and gift me with many a masterpiece, and my own personal library -- borrowed and owned -- has expanded much beyond what I had ever dreamed. Here in Panama, as in much of Latin America, the literary selection is significantly minimized and, while I own and have read several books in the native Spanish, it remains difficult to get my hands on specific works which I have been longing to read. That said, I have had a few friends offer to ship some books my way -- and oh, what a joy it will be when they finally arrive! To slip into the worlds of past, present and future, and to learn from the well-developed characters as they go about their lives...is there anything richer?

3. StrengthsFinder -- I have long been a fan of studies and writings on personalities and their make-up, for I am fascinated by the intricacies of each individual's forma de ser. Over the years, this has resulted in my reading of several such books (beautifully tying into today's 2 above), and among these I have one particular favourite; well, two, really...so I'm going to cram them both into this point because, as I have discovered, they work beautifully in tandem. The first is the Clifton StrengthsFinder, which was developed by Gallup (for a look at the strength themes outlined within click here). This is a fantastic, refreshing approach to our individual gifts and strengths, and encourages a focus on what we do best rather than endlessly trying to fix our shortcomings -- while still holding that a degree of "damage control" often is important in certain areas, such as tact, public speaking, etc. Along with the StrengthsFinder I have found reading about the Enneagram to be exceedingly helpful in my own self-awareness. And, while there are many books on the topic, the best I have found -- contrary to my intuition, for often books labeled as "Christian" lack a grasp on reality -- is The Enneagram, A Christian Perspective, by Rorh and Ebert. The Enneagram in itself is a 3-dimensional personality study, not simply pinning one down as a specific number, but also looking at the height and depth of the growth among the nine levels of spiritual health and maturity taking place within one at any given time. As Ebert himself says, "If you don't sense the whole thing as somehow humiliating, you haven't yet found your number. The more humiliating it is, the more you are looking the matter (of who you truly are) right in the eye." (For a deeper look at what the Enneagram is all about, click here).

I highly recommend both these books to one and all! You will be amazed at how much better you get to know yourself!

Some Thoughts on Gratitude

When I first set out to use The Gratitude Project as inspiration for writing, I didn't consciously consider that there would be moments in which "being grateful" would result difficult for me. Generally, I am rather an optimistic person, cheerful, friendly, and truly thankful for many things. I credit much of this to my grandmother, and to my great-grandfather, and, more recently, to the influence of my wonderful husband who is, like all of us, far from perfect -- yet, without a doubt, absolutely perfect for me.

These past several weeks, however, have been marked by some uncharacteristically painful moments caused by life-changing events: the hospitalization of my grandfather and his subsequent move to a permanent care home; the hospitalization of my husband's grandfather who, at present, remains in ICU; and, just weeks after his addition to our family, the sudden death of our second puppy, Toon.

Needless to say, I have been somewhat more emotional that usual. And, this past Monday marked Thanksgiving Day -- at least in Canada. And so, being Canadian, although living abroad, I paused to consider what thanksgiving (intentionally lower-case) might mean during a season of profound pain.

My first instinct was to laugh at what seemed, to me, two contradictory states of being: thankful and sad; grateful and burdened. And then I realized that I needed to shift my paradigm of thinking -- to hold each in one hand, as it were, and to let my life be balanced out by both. We are seldom, it seems, in a state of pure euphoria or pure tragedy, for our lives as tapestries are utterly complex even when uncomplicated and there are infinite factors which add either a small measure of hope or a greater measure of despair to the situation in which we find ourselves in any given moment: a smile from the nurse who comes humbly to change your grandfather's diaper, the excited wag of a puppy's tail as he greets you, a grandmother who curses her family out of her own pain.

And so, I became grateful. In my heart and my very soul I gave thanks for the people and things with which I have been blessed: health, a life with my soul-mate, family and friends, an education, the ability to work (although I may not at the moment), a family with my dog(s), a passion for learning, for coffee, for art, for life, for travel -- for having today, one more day in which to bless those around me by my actions and my words, written or spoken, and to make the burden a little lighter for those who walk around me.

The Gratitude Project: Day 16

1. Holding Hands -- I love to hold my husband's hand. Although a simple gesture, it is also very personal, very loving. It says, "I love you, and I love to be with you. I love to touch you, and you are special to me"...and oh-so-much more!

2. Coconut Milk/Water -- Such a refreshing, naturally hydrating, antibacterial beverage! I've always loved it, and now that I live in a land in which coconuts are in abundance, I appreciate it even more! Watching my husband open a coconut from our backyard and carefully open it up for me to enjoy the water and the fruit on the inside...ahh! Pure enjoyment!

3. Crabs in the Ocean -- My personal interaction with crabs is relatively recent, and my enjoyment of them comes not from cuisine but rather from watching Keipo play with them when he finds them in the rocky part where beach meets ocean. More often than not, the crab gets away from him, but when the encounter lasts even for a minute or two the sheer pleasure that Keipo gets from that interaction is positively infectious and we all end up laughing and having a great time!

The Gratitude Project: Day 15

1. Book Clubs -- As one who loves to read, my enjoyment of reading has only been heightened by belonging to a book club. Ahh, to be able to discuss -- intellectually, emotionally, personally -- a particular novel or non-fiction work with fellow passionate readers is to enter into the literary world on an even deeper level and to bring its pleasure to the fullest!

2. A Cold Beer On a Hot Day -- Really, this requires no further explanation besides to remark on how refreshing and pleasurable is this beverage here in the tropics!

3. The Sound of a Cat Purring -- So soothing, so utterly peaceful, absolutely reassuring. And no matter how independent was my Kitty, she always delighted in my company and had no qualms about letting me know to what extent with her generous purring!

The Gratitude Project: Day 14

1. A Good Bed -- There is nothing like a good, solid mattress to inspire a deep, restful sleep. Need I say more?

2. VICK'S Vapo Rub -- Whether plagued by a sore throat, a cough, or muscular aches, VICK'S is my very favourite ointment -- and the aroma is enough to relax and soothe.

3. Good Health -- As the saying goes, "if you've got your health, you've got everything." So true! How difficult even the simplest things can be if one is under the weather or terminally ill. And upon the body healing and restoring itself to "normal" (a relative term, to be sure!), how thankful I am once again to be able to cook, to walk with ease, just to be able to breathe again! Yes, most certainly I am grateful for good health.

The Gratitude Project: Day 13

As we have just been informed that my husband's grandfather has been hospitalized due to a fractured hip, I am once again reminded that life is a gift and we know not how many moments we have on this earth to enjoy with friends and family, an even with oneself. Sometimes we tend to think that "the little things" don't matter all that much, but I disagree; I believe that a life largely is made up of the little things, brief moments, simple pleasures, and that, over time, these things add up to compose a life enjoyed -- a life truly lived.

Some of these "little things" for me are:

1. Ceramic Mugs -- I don't exactly know when my collection of ceramic mugs began, and it was never a conscious effort to begin said collection, but somehow over travels and art fairs I found myself drawn to the unique creations of drinking mugs. I probably have around 20 mugs of different shapes, sizes, colours and personalities -- for that is really what it comes down to, isn't it! Depending on the day and the degree of my intro- or extrovertedness in the moment, a particular mug appeals to me on a soul level. Is this laughable? It's reality. Enjoying my coffee or tea from one such vessel is, for me, a connection with art, with creativity, with life! And oh, how I do miss these mugs of mine, packed away in boxes, awaiting our someday reunion!

2. Looking at Old Photographs -- Have you ever sat down with your grandmother and her photo albums? The stories she tells you as the photographs on display conjure up memories of generations past, of people and places and events too far back in history for your knowing -- such a treasure trove of stories of your own family and, ultimately, of your very own life! Or seeing photos for the first time of your husband when he was just a baby, then a toddler, then a young boy, a young man -- of all the life in him even before the two of you met! It never ceases to amaze me how a stillframe can capture a moment in time and preserve it there for future viewing. It is a gift, a reminder of youth and of aging, of life and of living -- of every event having its season (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

3. My Husband's Grandfather -- I know of only one other man so patient, so kind, so optimistic, so good-humoured, and so at peace: this was my own great-grandfather. And my husband's grandfather is of the same nature. He is always at ease, always thankful, always glad to crack a joke and share the gift of laughter -- and he reminds me not to take myself too seriously and to enjoy every moment in life!

Gratitude Project: Interrupted

A happy Wednesday morning to you all!

My apologies for the break in writing, but the fact of the matter is that I was without internet for several days, due to the necessary travel owing to the fall and subsequent hip fracture of my husband's grandfather. However, I still did write down -- using the archaic pen and paper! -- three things each day for which I am thankful, and so I will share them with you following this post, although each separate day will be tagged with today's date. No matter; I believe it is the principle behind the precept which is of most importance.

Happy reading!