The Gratitude Project: Day 18

I so often fall so short of my ideal of the person I want to be. I know that nobody is perfect, which brings a bit of comfort...but that isn't sufficient reason for me to neglect my shortcomings and work to smooth out the rough edges of my character.

A simple occurrance yesterday shone a rather fierce spotlight on one area in particular: how bothered I become by something being wrecked. I can deal with a broken dish or a cracked glass, or even the usual wear and tear on shoes, clothing and other daily-use items, but when something is suddenly destroyed "for no reason," as I find myself saying, it is a struggle for me not to fly off the proverbial handle.

Last night Ramón and I were getting ready for bed when he decided to check on our dog. He left our bedroom and immediately I heard, "Oh, Keipo!" -- and when I asked what had happened, his response was, "Something that you're not going to like very much:" Keipo had chewed off, in numerous pieces, the entire top of my most-used flip flops (thankfully, not my Birkenstocks!) and was working away at the toe, rendering the right sandal completely useless as just a sole.

Now, you may point out, flip flops are easily replaceable. And you're right, they are. But, to my imperfect self, that is not the issue. The injustice, to me, is that my formerly perfectly-useful and very frequently worn (yet still in beautiful shape) and VERY comfortable flip flops, for which I paid $35 nearly three years ago, were innecessarily demolished by our one-year-old puppy. There was no need for that; he has other chew toys and knows not to attack our footwear, under pain of a chancletazo. Plus, despite the fact that my husband has been working for this particular bi-national company for just over six months, he has yet to receive any of his hard-earned income (thanks to the corruption and bureaucracy representative of much of LatinAmerica), and so, incurring such a frivolous and should-be unnecessary expense seems to me rather absurd!

And so, in light of this, I found myself stewing in my own anger at Keipo's destruction, considering how to balance good stewardship with forgiveness, acceptance, patience, "need" vs. want (although these were my only footwear item which I could use for cleaning house and walking with Keipo when it's rainy/muddy, due to being purely plastic -- so to me it is rather clear that I do, in fact, require just such an article of footwear) and doing without in light of no income. And this same rhythm of thought/argument/struggle has characterized my life ever since I was a child. Why is it that I grapple -- for days -- with the idea of replacing such things for myself, yet have no qualms about giving much larger sums to a particular clinic in Haiti? Then again, is my reasoning aberrant?

This rather lengthly prelude leads me to three things for which I find myself particularly grateful this morning:

1. An Understanding Husband -- Daily I give thanks for the man with whom I have been blessed to share life, and he never ceases to amaze me with his unending patience and understanding nature. I have much to learn from him; his immediate response last night was to comfort me upon the loss of my beloved right sandal and to say, "First thing when I return from work tomorrow we'll go in search of some new sandals for you, okay?" It just wasn't an issue for him: my sandal was wrecked and no longer useable, and so it must be replaced. Simple. And problem solved. Of course, his being so understanding and relaxed made me feel horrid about how I had reacted; and, of course, I knew that he was right. But I didn't feel any less twisted up inside by the "injustice" of what had happened. How is it that, sometimes when we feel the most loved and cared for, we also feel more awful about our true selves and undeserving of being on the receiving end of such understanding and generosity?

2. Turning Points -- I realize that this is sort of a lumped-together point, but I am grateful for the simple things in life, the everyday little occurrances which have things to teach me. Like, for example, paying the bills or cleaning the house -- I find that in these little acts of care and responsibility I am reminded of the importance of contributing to the world around me in a positive way. "Being responsible" has it's own reward, as things tend to operate more smoothly, but there are also little "aha!" moments that come now and again as I wash our laundry by hand, or bathe our dog, or prepare dinner, and I am grateful to have a family for which to care.

3. Something Borrowed -- In light of my sandal-less present, my husband offered me the use of his sandals -- a bit too big for me, but still comfy and practical, and they worked beautifully as I walked Keipo on our freshly-rained-upon streets this morning. Whether a book borrowed from the library, a ladder from the in-laws, or my husband's sandals, I am reminded that it isn't always necessary to own an object. There is beauty in the sharing, in less-consumeristic actions and in making better use of what is around.